I read an article that said it takes a tenth of the time of your past relationship to get over someone.
Then I wondered why I haven’t been able to do that. Why I made the decisions I made to get here, without someone who actually makes me happy. I keep thinking to myself it could be me who’s beside you right now, making weird noises and wise cracks at each other and talking about the time I walked with you on the trails to give you that beautiful necklace. I loved you then and even after months without you, im still wanting your love. Feeling trapped and closed off is never what I wanted.
I felt that after the first time we separated, you changed. You acted different and it scared me beyond anything I could comprehend. After that I didn’t know what to do, it felt unrepairable because I kept making mistake after mistake and you kept listening to everyone else rather than sitting accross from me and opening up.
Im not happy. I can’t be without you and I know that now, I just dont know if I can ever hug you, kiss you, love you again because I keep thinking about that. We both found people that we truly dont want the way we had each other, we lay across from them and it still feels empty. You moved fast after we left and I understand because I did too, so why cant it be so easy to see that we are on the same page in life? That we aren’t so different after all?
So when you look into his eyes, however passionate it may be, is it the same as me? When he makes love to you, is it the same as our hearts which used to beat together?
The pain I feel when I think of the things you’ve done with him hurt, and im sure the pain you feel is the same. You were mine, my only, my everything and now he feels the same. Its weird seeing this from the outside looking in, like im spectating what I once had; like I never existed.
Now I can only hold onto the memories because they were the greatest gift you gave me. So if that’s all we have left and all we’ll ever have for the rest of our lives, then thank you for that. Thank you for the endless laughs and smiles. The movie nights and New Year’s love. For the long drives of talking and connecting. You gave me the ability to see the world in a beautiful way; something that I fear I can never see again.
Thank you for standing beside me after going through a hard time in our relationship and still wanting us.
I hope life never drags you down again. I wish I could take it all back but I can’t.
You know where to reach me if you need me. Because right now, I need you more than anything.